Have a heart

This article from the Associated Press demonstrates why it is scary for people with UC to travel. I could see something like this happening to me. I wonder if I would be as bold to run past the flight attendant to get the bathroom or if I would just stand there and mess myself.

They should make special considerations for people with UC. The same as the do for people in wheel chairs. There should be private medical bathrooms on airplanes only for those with medical conditions with those people being seated nearby. And the process for planes taking off should be expedited. I know I have sat ON an airplane for 45 minutes just waiting for it to take off. This article has upset me a bit. I feel bad for the man that was kicked off his flight and probably humiliated. I thought about writing a note to United Airline, but couldn't think of what to say. After all they were just following security procedures, which I support, but still... It's tough enough for those of us that urgently have to use the bathroom. What would you say to United?

Putting my fears aside though, I have planned a vacation for next month. I feel my health right now is well enough that with a little extra care I could travel and enjoy myself. I am looking forward to it.

Validation

Everyone with UC needs validation. This is a cute little movie!

Set me free, why don't cha babe

Set me free, why don't cha babe
Get out my life, why don't cha babe
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on
You don't really need me
But you keep me hangin' on

That's the first verse to Diana Ross's "You Keep Me Hangin' On". I certainly don't love UC, but sometimes I wonder if I am "hangin' on" to it. Today I'm wondering if I get a subconscious payoff from being sick and in some twisted weird way I like being sick. No, I DON'T like to be sick. But...thinking really hard about it, here are some reasons I could see why someone might subconsciously hold on to an illness:

1. If I don't measure up or if I grow up to be nothing, or worse a failure, it's not really my fault. It is because of the UC. Anything I am unable to achieve I can always blame on not feeling well.
2. I get some attention for being sick. It makes me unique from other people and grants me sympathy from those that know.
3. If there is something I don't want to do, I can always say that I'm not feeling well because of my UC. It allows me to avoid responsibilities.
4. I always have a good excuse to procrastinate. Those goals that I set can wait indefinitely until the day that I am well.
5. Puts my loved ones in a care giver role and myself in a dependant position.
6. Allows me to be a cautious observer of life instead of an active participant.
7. If I do something wrong or say something hurtful, it was beyond my control because I wasn't feeling well.
8. I can blame the other people in my life for not doing enough/not loving me enough, causing me to be ill.

These were all the things I could think of for a subconscious mind to cause a person to stay ill. Can you think of others? Most of these I really don't think apply to my situation. I could maybe possibly see #1, 3, and 4 applying to my life, but not the others. To my subconscious mind: I don't want UC anymore.

HEALTH UPDATE: I am feeling quite a bit better. I feel like remission is right around the corner. It's been three months since I started back on the medicine. Currently I am still having moderate symptoms in the morning and the rest of the day is fine. (Okay, maybe a bit more gassy than the average person). I honestly think I could live the rest of my life in this condition and be completely happy even though I am not completely well. I can manage being sick in the mornings, it just makes the rest of the day sunnier.

Oh, and my husband replaced the tire I ruined that I wrote about in my last post. Actually, he said he had to get a new set because the wear on the tire wouldn't be the same as on the other side. So, more costly. But from that experience I have learned that I should trust myself more.

The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain. --Lord Byron

Recently I had a flat tire on my car. I was driving it at the time and didn't realize it was flat and kept driving for quite a while (ruined the tire). In case you are wondering (like my poor husband), yes, something didn't feel right. I did think something was wrong, but I am one of those paranoid people that frequently feel like the car doesn't feel right. I have pulled over countless times to "check" the car only to see nothing wrong. So I didn't pull over to check until I reached my destination a few miles away. (I really am a good driver! Please don't think ill of me from this lapse in judgment!)

Besides the strange noise and bumpy ride, there was another clue. The other drivers all had this blank look on their face. I passed a jogger and he had it too. It's the face you get when you know something is wrong but you don't have time to react. It's kind of a wide-eyed, mouth ajar, staring look.

But this is my UC blog, so what does this experience have to do with it? Well, on occasion I have found myself in a public place when the urgent need to find a bathroom presents itself. It doesn't matter where I am or what I am doing, once I get the feeling, finding a bathroom is the only thing I can concentrate on. Very quickly, I go into a state of shock and then panic and then survival mode. When I saw those other drivers with their shocked faces it made me wonder if that's how I look when I urgently have to go. What do you think? Is there such a thing as the "UC Urgent Need Face"?

The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.

I've been feeling really great lately. Not normal yet, but manageable. Talked with my doctor yesterday and we are going to try to slowly decrease my dosage. That's good news. Mornings are still hard for me but other than that I feel completely fine. Mornings have always been the worse for me, not sure why, but that's the main reason I am always late for things. But feeling so well lately, I even dared go with my husband on Saturday to a big car show. He was entering his car in it and really wanted me to come. I was nervous because it is outdoors, without bathrooms. And while they do have a few port-a-potties, they almost always have long lines. But I went and I was fine and I almost forgot I had any issues at all. That's what I really want--to be so well that it's not even something I think about. To be able to go somewhere without first finding where the nearest bathroom is. Or having to think about what I'm eating. To be free to live my life.

Now that normalcy is on the horizon I want to work on gaining back some of the weight I've lost. I was quite content with the weight I was before. With the weight loss, I look tired almost always and my skin has lost it's luster. You might think that gaining weight would be the easy, maybe even fun, part. But this needs to be handled delicately because, remember, I have a sensitive digestive system. What that means is that I can't overdo it on any foods or I could get sicker. Moderation in all things! I don't want to undo the progress I've made, so I'm going to avoid the things that aggravate my UC:

1. Movie theater popcorn -- Maybe it's because I am allergic to corn, but anytime I've eaten this, even just a handful, I've become extremely ill. Popcorn at home doesn't seem to be a problem as long as I don't eat too much.
2. Greasy foods (Pizza, hamburgers, french fries, fried anything)
3. Sweets
4. Spicy foods
5. Not getting enough sleep
6. STRESS
7. Getting too hot
8. My food allergies (corn, wheat, and soy)

I'm lucky because with the exception of the first item I can have a little bit of all these things and still be alright. The key is balance. I can handle a bit of stress or being out in the sun. I can eat my lovely sweets and spicy foods. I just need to be a bit aware of what I am exposing myself to and making sure I am not putting my body under extra stress.

Pill Popping On The Weekend and Positive Results

For some reason I always seem to run out of pills right before the weekend. When you take ten pills a day it is hard to anticipate when you are about to run out. I look in the bottle and say, "Oh, there's a lot of pills in there. I'm good." Then, two days later there is just one sad lonely pill. (By the way, if any of you are on Asacol there is a $25 off coupon on their website that you can use once a month through December.) I called the automated system to refill and sent my hubby in to pick it up. Only there was a problem. He couldn't get the medicine. See last month I was only taking 5 pills a day but then my doctor increased it to ten a day. Only he didn't tell my insurance company and they won't let me get a refill for another month. Must be trying to prevent me from selling them on the black market. Probably a high demand for the butt pills. Don't worry said the drug store. We'll call your doctor and get this all sorted out. But it's Friday. If you were a doctor, would you work on Fridays? Well, apparently mine doesn't. Which means it can't get sorted out until Monday. I'm still in a flare-up right now and really don't want to make it worse by missing doses.

Luckily, the pharmacist had pity on me and gave my husband enough pills to get me through the weekend. Pills without paying, huh... My criminal mind was spinning. How many pharmacies are in this town... Don't worry, I'm a virtuous person.

Other news: Reading these positive thought posts on some of your blogs reminded me of The Secret. http://www.thesecret.tv/ It was very popular around here the last couple years. Someone gave me the video (I was too lazy to read the book) a year ago and I had watched it then but not paid it much thought since. I remembered how it talked about using positive thoughts and visualizations to make things happen: improve your health, increase your wealth, get the relationships you want. The video suggests you test it. To think of something you want and visualize getting it and how you would feel and then to believe you will get it and not let any negative thoughts about it not happening get in your mind.

I decided to test it. I thought I would try something small so it would be easier for me to believe that it would happen. I decided I wanted $20. I visualized getting it, believed I would and wouldn't you know it by the end of the day, I did NOT get $20.

I got an unexpected $100!!! My mother stopped by and gave it to me. She said she wanted to help pay for my son's preschool. I tried to refuse it, but she wouldn't have it. It wasn't until I was in bed last night that I realized I had gotten the $20 and then some.

I'm going to try this again sometime with something loftier. And maybe one day with my UC.

Did I Do That?

During this most recent flare-up, while spending quite a bit of time on the throne of thought, I've had a reoccurring question come to mind. After getting better the first time, I honestly believed I would never be sick again, so when it came back it shocked me. I had to ask if I had done this to myself. There is a mini Steve Urkel in my mind saying, "Did I do that?" while squinting through large glasses. Was something I did or didn't do the reason I am sick? Was eating certain foods or not eating something I should have the reason it came back? Was over-extending myself and not resting enough the issue? I just want to know if it was my fault. Not that it would change anything. I would like to say that it was out of my control, that it couldn't have been helped. But I don't know that.

Some other bloggers have supposed drinking to be a link. I've never had a drink in my life. I've also never smoked. Interestingly, UC is less common in smokers. I do admit that I have a sweet tooth and have indulged it over the years. I also am more "Type A" and worry a lot. Those things can be contributors. I have a relative that died with Crohn's disease...but we weren't blood related. So I'm not sure what the reason for my illness is or if I inadvertently or subconsciously caused it.

Then there is the left-sided thing...

I have Distal Colitis, meaning the disease is only in the left side of the colon. Why is this significant? Because when I was visiting with so many alternative healers there was a reoccurring theme that illness on the left side of the body is the feminine or emotional side where the right side is the masculine or intellectual side. This didn't mean much to me when I was meeting with them because I didn't discover it was on the left side until after I had the colonoscopy. When the doctor told me, I remembered the comments from the other healers. Left side = emotional side.

Recently I have started reading Louise L. Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life. I haven't finished it yet but it is basically about changing your mental patterns that create "dis-eases" in the body. Louise has a section in the book where she writes about the emotional causes for illnesses. These are some of the ones I looked up:

Colon: Fear of letting go. Holding on to the past.
Colitis: Insecurity. Represents the ease of letting go of that which is over.
Itis/Inflammation: Anger or frustration about conditions you are looking at in your life.
Left Side of Body: Represents receptivity, taking in, feminine energy, women, the mother.

She didn't specifically have UC in her book, but I think the above things would cover it. So what I get from reading her book is my left-sided UC would be caused from a fear of letting go and potentially involving females. The thing is I had kind of a lousy childhood with some traumatic events that happened. I've always felt like those events didn't have any bearing with me in my adult life, but could the fact that I have never confronted those issues be playing into my health now? If that is true than just burying those issues instead of dealing with them did cause my UC, ergo I did cause it.

Louise L. Hay said in her book that all "dis-ease" comes from a state of unforgiveness. Again, I haven't finished the book yet, but I have read where she said forgiving those that are the hardest to forgive and loving ourselves is the key to healing ourselves. Louise herself had quite a crummy life (so much so that mine seems quite rosy in comparison) and also was told she had incurable cancer. She writes that changing her thought processes allowed her to completely heal herself and she says that it can work for anyone and for any illness.

More thoughts to ponder on the throne of thought I suppose. (P.S. If anyone wants me to look in her book under other ailments, let me know and I will see what she says is the emotional tie. A friend of mine was having low back pain. I looked that up and it said lack of financial support. She is in the real estate market and has been having a tough time in this economy.)