Physical pain is a funny thing. Unlike emotional pain, it's hard to hold on to. Once the pain stops it is hard to recreate...to remember. I'm in remission now, and thinking of the pain associated with my UC I wonder if it was ever really that bad. I feel great now and I can't feel the pain.
I remember when I was in a really bad flare up, before I was even diagnosed with UC, that I actually said to my husband that I wished I could die. I wasn't suicidal, but I do remember thinking I couldn't go on feeling that much pain. I remember saying that... I remember where the pain was and generally how it felt... But I don't remember the pain. Not like the pain I felt when I found out my father had a heart attack or that my mother had breast cancer or when a friend made a particularly cutting remark. Those pains I can summon back and feel it almost as intensely as the moments in which they first happened.
But not the physical pain...
It's like when I gave birth to my son. A few hours after the delivery someone asked me if there was anything I would have done differently and I said, "Get the epidural sooner." I remember I was in a lot of pain but again, now that some time has passed, I don't remember THE pain. (Someone said that was Mother Nature's way of making sure the Earth stayed populated.) :)
I don't know why this is. I guess I don't really care. It's a blessing, right? Then again, maybe I'm just a weirdo with some psychological defect and everyone else can remember the pain.
More thoughts on this in my next post.
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3 years ago
Coincidence! I was just going on about the pain. I can't remember it when I don't feel it. I know it was there and it was terrible, but it surprises me each time it comes back.
ReplyDelete"I actually said to my husband that I wished I could die."
ReplyDeleteOmg! I said that to my mom when I was in the hospital :( It wasn't a suicidal thing either. This was before I knew what UC was and thought I might feel like that forever. I couldn't live like that. I think back to that moment from time to time and I feel guilty at what a terrible thing I've said. But it was the pain talking and not me.
That is a very eloquent post Skinny. It's a funny thing pain isn't it? I think there may be something in your comment about nature...
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I don't remember the pain when my wife had either of our kids... (just a little joke, before I'm lynched - of course I remember the pain!)
I guess I don't really remember the UC pain at its most intense. But I do remember how that pain made me feel. I do remember being unable to stand. I do remember gripping anything I could reach with white-knuckle force. I do remember standing in tears fearing i could not go onward or back when the UC-arthritis was at its worst in my feet. I do also remember the darkest nights in hospital when death seemed like a viable alternative...
HUGS,. I hope though that it will get better for you. I've been trying meditation, helps sometimes but pain is unavoidable and no fun :(
ReplyDeleteyep, child birth pain is a weird thing, but I think once the labour is over it's the relief that you feel that makes you forget..otherwise we'd never do it again. I do remember being in the hospital the day after my 1st kid was born and thinking why the hell would I do that ... why didn't someone warn me...but heck I went and did it again 20 mths later. All doen now...no way I'm having any more...I've 2 hands and 2 kids...so done :D
ReplyDeleteI told my husband that if he wanted anymore, then he'd have to get pregnant and do the labour! :D
With the UC pain, for me it's a different kind of pain, that annnoys me more while it's happening as I still don't understand why I had to get it :(
How far are you along now?
Hey Skinny Girl!
ReplyDeleteI know I've said the same thing to myself about just wanting to die. The first time I ever said it was when I had my very first colonoscopy. I was so sick and in so much pain I just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.
If I'm not in the midst of a flare up I too forget the pain I felt. But the other day I was reminded of it. This is why I call this whole disease my monster. Just when I think I'm in the clear... it creeps up and reminds me I will never be in the clear. Crazy monster!
It's a blessing we forget the pain ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments everyone! Glad to see that others have a similar experience.
ReplyDeleteJodi--I should tell that to my husband too! I am 16 weeks now.