Physical pain is a funny thing. Unlike emotional pain, it's hard to hold on to. Once the pain stops it is hard to recreate...to remember. I'm in remission now, and thinking of the pain associated with my UC I wonder if it was ever really that bad. I feel great now and I can't feel the pain.
I remember when I was in a really bad flare up, before I was even diagnosed with UC, that I actually said to my husband that I wished I could die. I wasn't suicidal, but I do remember thinking I couldn't go on feeling that much pain. I remember saying that... I remember where the pain was and generally how it felt... But I don't remember the pain. Not like the pain I felt when I found out my father had a heart attack or that my mother had breast cancer or when a friend made a particularly cutting remark. Those pains I can summon back and feel it almost as intensely as the moments in which they first happened.
But not the physical pain...
It's like when I gave birth to my son. A few hours after the delivery someone asked me if there was anything I would have done differently and I said, "Get the epidural sooner." I remember I was in a lot of pain but again, now that some time has passed, I don't remember THE pain. (Someone said that was Mother Nature's way of making sure the Earth stayed populated.) :)
I don't know why this is. I guess I don't really care. It's a blessing, right? Then again, maybe I'm just a weirdo with some psychological defect and everyone else can remember the pain.
More thoughts on this in my next post.
Rituals of Loss - It has been four days since we dropped the boys off at their mom's house. It feels like weeks. Then sometimes it's like they were never here and that year ...
3 weeks ago