But all the colors are brown...

Every now and then, I come across a product that I think U.C. sufferers might appreciate a little more than others. This product gave me a laugh!

"Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway."

I haven't posted for a while because I've been...stressed. Really stressed. I've got problems at work, with finances, in my family, with friends, in my personal life...and I've been worrying a lot about a lot of other things too. The fact that I'm stressed and worried about things also worries me because I'm terrified it will trigger another flare.

I'm kind of good at worrying. It's a talent. I can see scenarios (negative ones) that others just couldn't fathom. It's not just recently either. My mom tells me that even in grade school I was always worried about something and would always have this scrunched up little face. It's part of my personality.

But, I've spent too many days with my life filled with worry. It's sucking the joy out of the rich blessings I have. So, I've been reading a book by Stephen R. Covey called How to Stop Worrying, and Start Living. I haven't finished it yet, but I've really enjoyed it so far.

He suggests some exercises to cope with worrying and I've been trying them and I do think they are helping, but I am going to need practice! Here is my own variation of some of his steps to take when you are worried.

1. Write down what you specifically are worried about. This might seem unnecessary, but I discovered that once I wrote it down, it seemed more manageable.

2. Ask yourself, "What is the worst thing that could happen." Then, write down if that happened what the result would be.

3. Come to terms with the "worst thing" happening. How would your life change? What would happen? Write your answers down. A lot of things I was worrying about relate to my family's finances. When I asked what was the worst that could happen, I thought of our house being foreclosed on and having to declare bankruptcy. If that happened, we would probably rent a townhouse. The rent for even a really nice townhouse around here would be less than our house payment. When I thought about this, I discovered even though it wasn't the ideal, it would be alright. And if that happened, I would feel a lot more relaxed because more of our monthly income would be freed up for other things. (So, what was the point of worrying?)

4. (I added this step myself) Ask yourself, "What is the best thing that could happen." So many times I focus on the negative things, but it is just as likely that something good will happen as something bad. It can't hurt to be positive! Write your answers down.

Just those four steps sure have helped already. And so far, I haven't had any hint of any bowel issues. Since stress seems to be a trigger for a lot of us, I challenge you to try these steps for something you are worrying about and see if it helps you.

In other news:

We are having another boy!

Yeah! We are really excited, although I was certain I was having a girl this time. My husband says I jinxed myself.

Also, I am only taking Asacol right now and just found out you can't take that while breastfeeding. I'm torn. I really believe that breastfeeding is super important, but all of the doctors are saying to stay on the medicine and just bottle feed. This is one of the multiple things I have been stressing about. I am actually leaning towards ignoring the doctor's advice and getting completely off medications. A sacrifice for my child. Scary. If my UC flared and got bad enough, I would probably have to stop breastfeeding and get back on the meds. I'm hoping that if I can relax and reduce my worries and watch what I eat that I will be okay. Hard to do with a new infant. Still have about 4 months before the decision has to be made.

In closing, this song was running through my head the whole time I was writing this post probably because of the line about worrying being like trying to solve an algebra problem by chewing bubble gum. Remember to wear sunscreen.

If wishes were fishes, we'd all have a fry.

The other day while I was playing cars with my son, my mind started wandering. Something it often does when we play cars since we only play that about a million times a day.

And a question came to my mind.

If you could wish for something that would change your life, what would you wish for?

And I thought, "Easy. I'd wish I didn't have Ulcerative Colitis."

And a moment passed.

And then I started wondering if that is what I'd really wish for. After all, I am in remission right now. Right now, besides the 10 pills I take each day, the illness has little impact on my life and as I wrote in my last post I don't really remember the pain.

Now if you had asked me during some of those flares what I would have wished for, no doubt I would have said to get rid of the UC. But now having had the experience that it is a problem that can be managed and dealt with, would I really waste a wish on it? I know that my experience is not the same as others with the illness and that for many their UC is a million times worse. My heart goes out to them since I have only had a taste of the pain and misery they experience.

But for me, I wondered if having UC was really all that bad. I mean if you HAD to have an illness, was it so bad? I don't know. I know that I at least have full use of my mind and I most likely am not going to die from it. There are periods of pain and seclusion, but also moments of real life. Sure, it's an embarrassing illness, but it keeps me humble, right? For all I know, if I didn't have UC my head would be so big I'd be floating.

So if I didn't wish away the UC, what would I wish for? Well, I'd wish to be happy or healthy. But those things are relative. I mean you could argue that I already am happy and healthy, even during flare ups.

Then, I'd wish my mother didn't have breast cancer and didn't have to have a masectomy. But then again, she's had such personal growth and has gained such wisdom from that experience. Would I deprive her of that for my own selfishness? I'd wish my father didn't have heart disease and hadn't had a heart attack. But since his heart attack he has cut back on work, spent more time with family, started eating better and exercising. If it wasn't for the heart attack, would these positive changes have happened?

I'd wish to be financially secure or for my house to be paid off. But honestly, if my house was paid off, I'd probably just go get a bigger house and as for the financial security--I can pay my bills, I have enough to eat and a safe home--isn't that financial security?

I'd wish my grandfather hadn't died. But, my grandmother remarried a wonderful man, whom she loves. I'm not willing to say one marriage was better than the other.

I could wish for world peace, but what does that even mean? Do I want to live in a world where there are no struggles? If anything I have learned that we are made better in the refiners fire. Our trials can lead to our greatest strengths.

Would I risk wishing something away, thinking I'd be better without, when in reality it could have been my greatest blessing? A lost job could lead to a better job. A broken relationship could open the doors for a soul mate. Things are not always as they appear.

And then suddenly, my thoughts were interrupted because my son apparently noticed I wasn't moving my matchbox car.

So my final thought is that wishes are hard stuff...best left for the professionals in fairy tales. I don't need any wishes, my life is perfect just the way it is. Especially with it's imperfections.

Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.-- Princess Bride

Physical pain is a funny thing. Unlike emotional pain, it's hard to hold on to. Once the pain stops it is hard to recreate...to remember. I'm in remission now, and thinking of the pain associated with my UC I wonder if it was ever really that bad. I feel great now and I can't feel the pain.

I remember when I was in a really bad flare up, before I was even diagnosed with UC, that I actually said to my husband that I wished I could die. I wasn't suicidal, but I do remember thinking I couldn't go on feeling that much pain. I remember saying that... I remember where the pain was and generally how it felt... But I don't remember the pain. Not like the pain I felt when I found out my father had a heart attack or that my mother had breast cancer or when a friend made a particularly cutting remark. Those pains I can summon back and feel it almost as intensely as the moments in which they first happened.

But not the physical pain...

It's like when I gave birth to my son. A few hours after the delivery someone asked me if there was anything I would have done differently and I said, "Get the epidural sooner." I remember I was in a lot of pain but again, now that some time has passed, I don't remember THE pain. (Someone said that was Mother Nature's way of making sure the Earth stayed populated.) :)

I don't know why this is. I guess I don't really care. It's a blessing, right? Then again, maybe I'm just a weirdo with some psychological defect and everyone else can remember the pain.

More thoughts on this in my next post.

My UC in 2009

This has nothing to do with UC :)

They say humor is the best medicine so for all my fellow UC sufferers please enjoy this real-life comedy moment that made me laugh out loud (click on the image to enlarge it):

Medication?

Over a month and no new posts from me. Wish I could say I was off doing something fabulous, but I wasn't. I've been miserably sick. First with morning sickness, then I think I got the actual stomache flu, then a sinus infection. To top it off I got two large fever blisters on my lips. No only was I feeling marvelous but I looked oh so lovely... The good news is that my UC was NOT acting up. I honestly believe it was because of God's tender mercy because I don't think I could have psychologically handled having to deal with UC and the other stuff at the same time. But then again I've been surprised by what I've survived.

The absolute good news from all of this is the morning sickness has eased, I'm over the flu and sinus infection and the fever blisters are gone AND... I am optimistically thinking that I am finally in remission! Best Christmas gift ever!

The last time I was in remission it lasted eleven months...but I had gone completely off all of my medications. This time my GI doctor wants me to stay on the Asacol three pills a day, three times a day. That's a lot of pills.

And things are complicated because I'm pregnant now. If Asacol was completely known to be safe during pregnancy it would be classified as Category A. It is classified as Category B. I talked to my GI doctor, he said he thought it would be better for me to take the Asacol to keep my health up and there are not any known risks from that medication.

I talked to the pharmacist. He said that he felt completely comfortable telling me to take it while pregnant. He said he has known several women that have taken it while pregnant with no ill effects and that Category B means there are no adequate and well-controlled studies in pregnant women. He said this is mostly because the drug companies don't feel it is ethical to do drug studies on pregnant women and not necessarily because the drug is unsafe.

Then I tried to call my obstetrician. I couldn't reach her over phone, I'd have to wait for my first appointment, but I did talk to her nurse who looked it up in a book and said it was fine to take.

I was at that point unsure what to do... This is a personal decision and each individual facing this circumstance has to make their own choice. These were the things I thought about:

• If I'm already in remission, and know that if I am careful could be in remission for a long time, why would I risk taking any drug at all if I didn't have to.
• Not exposing myself to chemicals and drugs is one way to keep my baby safe, but I also need to be healthy to keep the baby safe.
• I was in a flare-up during my entire first pregnancy. I was induced three weeks early because of intrauterine growth restriction (IUGR). This means my son was below the 10th percentile for his gestational age at that point. He weighed 5 lbs 11 ozs at birth and the doctor was concerned about him having serious problems (he's absolutely perfect now). While the doctor said the cause of this was unknown, I can't help but wonder if it was related to my flare and my body just being so depleted.
• Why would I risk going having another flare-up if the medicine can help prevent it.
• How will I have the energy to care for a toddler and a new baby if I am sick

I felt like everyone was saying I should stay on the medicine and if I wasn't pregnant I knew I would for sure. I finally made up my mind when I talked to my Ob/Gyn.

I told her my concerns and asked if I should try to get off the medicine or at least try to cut back the number of pills. She told me that in her opinion Asacol was completely fine. She said she has many patients on it and that she has seen studies involving pregnant women that indicate their is no harm. I know that she isn't one of those doctors that say anything is fine because with my first pregnancy I wanted to take Probiotics to see if that could help with the flare and she would not let me because she said it was unstudied and the risks weren't known.

So, ultimately I decided to stay on the medicine FOR the health of my unborn baby. Having enough energy, getting enough nutrients, feeling well, getting good rest, etc. is just as important as avoiding things. I am sure there are people that disagree with this decision or think I should take non-medicinal approaches, but I feel this is what fits best for me, my lifestyle, and my family right now. I'm feeling good and I got to see the ultrasound of my baby and hear his/her heartbeat. Life is good.

I'll keep you updated!