Get out my life, why don't cha babe
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on
You don't really need me
But you keep me hangin' on
That's the first verse to Diana Ross's "You Keep Me Hangin' On". I certainly don't love UC, but sometimes I wonder if I am "hangin' on" to it. Today I'm wondering if I get a subconscious payoff from being sick and in some twisted weird way I like being sick. No, I DON'T like to be sick. But...thinking really hard about it, here are some reasons I could see why someone might subconsciously hold on to an illness:
- If I don't measure up or if I grow up to be nothing, or worse a failure, it's not really my fault. It is because of the UC. Anything I am unable to achieve I can always blame on not feeling well.
- I get some attention for being sick. It makes me unique from other people and grants me sympathy from those that know.
- If there is something I don't want to do, I can always say that I'm not feeling well because of my UC. It allows me to avoid responsibilities.
- I always have a good excuse to procrastinate. Those goals that I set can wait indefinitely until the day that I am well.
- Puts my loved ones in a care giver role and myself in a dependant position.
- Allows me to be a cautious observer of life instead of an active participant.
- If I do something wrong or say something hurtful, it was beyond my control because I wasn't feeling well.
- I can blame the other people in my life for not doing enough/not loving me enough, causing me to be ill.
These were all the things I could think of for a subconscious mind to cause a person to stay ill. Can you think of others? Most of these I really don't think apply to my situation. I could maybe possibly see #1, 3, and 4 applying to my life, but not the others. To my subconscious mind: I don't want UC anymore.
HEALTH UPDATE: I am feeling quite a bit better. I feel like remission is right around the corner. It's been three months since I started back on the medicine. Currently I am still having moderate symptoms in the morning and the rest of the day is fine. (Okay, maybe a bit more gassy than the average person). I honestly think I could live the rest of my life in this condition and be completely happy even though I am not completely well. I can manage being sick in the mornings, it just makes the rest of the day sunnier.
Oh, and my husband replaced the tire I ruined that I wrote about in my last post. Actually, he said he had to get a new set because the wear on the tire wouldn't be the same as on the other side. So, more costly. But from that experience I have learned that I should trust myself more.