Sunday, September 20, 2009

Set me free, why don't cha babe

Set me free, why don't cha babe
Get out my life, why don't cha babe
'Cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin' on
You don't really need me
But you keep me hangin' on

That's the first verse to Diana Ross's "You Keep Me Hangin' On". I certainly don't love UC, but sometimes I wonder if I am "hangin' on" to it. Today I'm wondering if I get a subconscious payoff from being sick and in some twisted weird way I like being sick. No, I DON'T like to be sick. But...thinking really hard about it, here are some reasons I could see why someone might subconsciously hold on to an illness:

  1. If I don't measure up or if I grow up to be nothing, or worse a failure, it's not really my fault. It is because of the UC. Anything I am unable to achieve I can always blame on not feeling well.
  2. I get some attention for being sick. It makes me unique from other people and grants me sympathy from those that know.
  3. If there is something I don't want to do, I can always say that I'm not feeling well because of my UC. It allows me to avoid responsibilities.
  4. I always have a good excuse to procrastinate. Those goals that I set can wait indefinitely until the day that I am well.
  5. Puts my loved ones in a care giver role and myself in a dependant position.
  6. Allows me to be a cautious observer of life instead of an active participant.
  7. If I do something wrong or say something hurtful, it was beyond my control because I wasn't feeling well.
  8. I can blame the other people in my life for not doing enough/not loving me enough, causing me to be ill.

These were all the things I could think of for a subconscious mind to cause a person to stay ill. Can you think of others? Most of these I really don't think apply to my situation. I could maybe possibly see #1, 3, and 4 applying to my life, but not the others. To my subconscious mind: I don't want UC anymore.

HEALTH UPDATE: I am feeling quite a bit better. I feel like remission is right around the corner. It's been three months since I started back on the medicine. Currently I am still having moderate symptoms in the morning and the rest of the day is fine. (Okay, maybe a bit more gassy than the average person). I honestly think I could live the rest of my life in this condition and be completely happy even though I am not completely well. I can manage being sick in the mornings, it just makes the rest of the day sunnier.

Oh, and my husband replaced the tire I ruined that I wrote about in my last post. Actually, he said he had to get a new set because the wear on the tire wouldn't be the same as on the other side. So, more costly. But from that experience I have learned that I should trust myself more.

8 comments:

  1. hi ya...and all those points above can apply to any illness also...I used to use my asthma as an excuse all the time when I was a kid and now I use my UC when I really can't be bothered to do something. I should probably stop that as I've found that sometimes those are the best days out :D

    I always wondered if there was a link between asthma and UC (for me anyway)..but so far the medical community hasn't found it...I do think there is a link though.

    Anyway, you take care

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  2. Thank you so much for the encouraging post you wrote on my blog. You are right. I need to begin embracing the good times and the times when I am not sick instead of waiting for the monster to return. And, your post above... I also can relate to some of the things you said on there. Sad... but true. Too many things and people have controlled my life because I ave let them. Now it is time for me to take it back and do what needs to be done. Making a change for life... it's what it is all about! Thanks so much!!!

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  3. Reckon I'm guilty of number 4, and number 2 in part - it's nice to feel different and giving up the booze for the sake of the UC has given me a nice badge of honour to wear and a free seat on the moral high-ground! Otherwise I try not to let the UC stop my everyday antics where possible. But that long-term planning one (no4), yeah I definitely do that.

    Weirdly, the day you posted about your tire was the day after I stopped some old guy in his car because he had a flat...

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  4. Rich and Jodi - Thanks for your comments! Maybe, as G.I. Joe said, "Knowing is half the battle." And a realization of these things could help us all.

    Paula -- Just for fun I looked up Asthma in Louise Hay's book. It said possible emotional causes could be: Smothered love, inability to breathe for one's self. Feeling stifled and suppressed crying.

    She also wrote a comment about asthma in children. She said that is caused from a fear of life.

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  5. This is really interesting and I can recognise myself, at least a little, in most of those things on your list! When I get those twinges and I think "oh no relapse" a tiny suppressed part of me seems to feel a teeny bit of excitement. It's not that I want to be ill, no way on earth, it's very odd!
    Of course maybe that feeling of excitement is just wind...

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  6. A valuable post and it much helpfull to all.Thanks a lot for your post.

    Thanks,
    Karim - Positive thinking

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  8. insightful post. I have to say that I'm enjoying #7 because I'm currently on prednisone. Nothing I say is my fault, LOL! (Actually, I'm doing a pretty good job at keeping a lid on it. But I do like the fact that my family is giving me extra space at this time.)

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